Goldmember revisited

Austin Powers in Goldmember
Year: 2002
Director: Jay Roach
Starring: Mike Myers

First Impression: I've probably seen this movie at least 20 times. I also saw it in theatres 4 times. I am not proud of this, but at the time this was the absolute pinnacle of comedy to my 13-year-old brain. I could not quote every third line in the movie enough in my daily life. It was also the very first DVD I ever owned.

Prediction: I cringe even thinking of re-watching this. I'd really like to think over the past 12 years that my sense of humour has somewhat improved. This is probably going to retroactively be the worst movie I've ever seen.

Result: The first thing I noticed were all the A-list actors with cameos:

Tom Cruise, Gwenyth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey, Danny DeVito, John Travolta, Steven Spielberg (just to name a few)

At the time, I probably wasn't familiar with any one else's filmography, but now that I do, I wonder why they'd be in any way associated with this piece of shit.

Michael Caine has a supporting role in this???

As much as I'd like to not admit it...there are a few moments that still make me laugh and on occasion still subconsciously use some lines...



But overall, still an abortion of a film that should be set on fire and buried in a landfill. The fact that it along with My Big Fat Greek Wedding were some of the highest grossing films of that year show you where comedy stood in 2002...

NO

Previous: Scarface

Scarface revisited

Scarface

Year: 1983

Director: Brian De Palma

Starring: Al Pacino

As a part of my new series...

First Impression: I was probably 14 or so when I first saw this, so it's been about 11 years. I remember hearing how awesome this movie was from a lot of people my age. After pretending that I'd seen for long enough, I picked it up one weekend wandering the Pickering Flea Market. 

I wondered even then why the dude even allowed a teenager to buy such a "mature" rated movie, especially since I didn't even look 14 (I'm probably at that now), but I guess the vendors at a Flea Market are really all about the bottom line.

I watched it and like every other boy with a steady flow of testosterone, thought it was fucking awesome. I finally understood all the posters and rap songs and rearview mirror danglers! (Someone I knew had one, reveal yourself)

Prediction: It probably hasn't held up as well as I thought as a teenager and I'm probably not going to have much sympathy for that asshole Tony Montana.

Result: Wow...Tony Montana is much more of an asshole than I remember...but it's still a pretty solid movie. I definitely remember being a little confused about the plot when I was younger because "who cares?? Guns and cocaine!", but now it seems pretty linear to me and has some pretty good messages that I definitely overlooked as a kid. 

Although I feel the same way as I did in the past about Michelle Pfeiffer. That's really the best girl for the drug lord of Miami?

The Great Re-watch Project (until I find a better name for it)

I very seldom have any inspiration to write, but when I do I feel like I have a lot to say...

And because I have absolutely no financial security to say what I really want about anything without being shitcanned, another idea came to me...

What movies haven't I watched in awhile?

Over the past few years or so, I've been on a mini project of sorts trying to watch some of the most critically acclaimed movies of all-time and most of them hold up even after numerous decades (especially the 70s).

But then I thought to myself...what movies from my childhood or teenage years did I hold in such high regard?

I've decided to go through my own movie collection (and memories) and take a second look at some films that I haven't watched in awhile.

So for each film that I revisit, I'll be dividing each post into three sections:

First Impression: What I thought of the movie years ago when I held it in the highest regard.

Prediction: What I believe I'll feel about it in retrospect before re-watching it.

Result: What I think of it now after re-watching it.

Scarface

Austin Powers in Goldmember

Political correctness has gone too far.

I hate political correctness. Not because I don't think it's a good idea, because I think it's gone way too far.

I come across things every day that some idiotic group of people are up in arms over that really should warrant no arguments at all.

I usually just pass them by, silently seething inside accepting the fact that it's just the way society has "progressed".

But wait...

How fucked up is it that I have to accept that?

How is it that society has allowed this to happen? Why do we even let these people think that their opinion is even worth hearing?

An example of this and my inspiration for resurrecting this blog that I haven't touched in over 2 years is the following tweet:

This picture was tweeted by the official SpaghettiO's Twitter account on Saturday, Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day in the US.

Not surprisingly, some people were quite offended by this "tasteless act of treason" (or that's what they'd have you believe), and quickly made their voices heard.

First of all, it's an anthropomorphic noodle holding an American flag, not a kamikaze aircraft with a Japanese flag painted in blood on the side.

Is it the text saying to remember a tragic event in history that should never be forgotten that's so offensive?

Holy shit. I find it sad that people will really find a way to be offended by anything.

I understand being offended by something if it's demeaning to a certain group you belong to (gender, sexual orientation, race, etc.) but when you're offended by something this small it's just plain narcissism.

It's basically you believing that you're important enough that people should care about you not liking or agreeing with something.

The fact that we give so much power to a minority of people who in reality don't have much at all is beyond absurd.

99 people out of 100 might be absolutely fine with something, but because that 1 person is offended by it, we have to cater to their needs instead of saying "tough shit, but majority rules".

Not only is that ridiculous, it's making that 1 person believe even more that they're important when they are not.

Common sense has ironically become less commonplace.

Take a look at the cup the next time you buy a coffee. It will more than likely say "Caution! Contents might be hot!"



No fucking shit.

If you're old enough to read and need a warning to tell you that your hot beverage is in fact hot, not only do I hope you scald yourself with it, I sincerely hope you die or kill yourself before reproducing. There are more than enough stupid people in the world.

Back to my original point...

You might think you're some kind of hero successfully getting the word "ass" off the radio, but really you're just a narcissistic, overly sensitive super villain who's fucking things up for everyone else.

I'd like to get way more in-depth into this but unfortunately today's political correctness means that sharing how I truly feel would result in me being labelled a million different things.

(Quick sidebar: stop throwing around "homophobic", "racist",  and "sexist" so easily, you're belittling things that actually warrant the use of those words).

And I'd much rather have the option of being somewhat gainfully employed.

/rant

Got A Blackberry...

Yep...I caved...

I kinda feel like Kyle did in the Chinpokomon episode...

Randy:

You see, son, fads come and go. And this "Chin-po-ko Mon" is obviously nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, "I'm not going to be a part of this fad, because I'm an individual." Do you understand?

Kyle:

Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.



Who says South Park isn't educational?

Why Men Are Seldom Depressed

Got this in an e-mail my mom forwarded to me...made me laugh, probably true too.

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.




___________________________________








Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Father's Day

I ain't askin' you for money or to come back to me, some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard...